Before i used to tell my friends all my problems that i go through but now i keep alot of things to myself. I am left to ponder and reminisce on my actions and decisions. It is hard because I am the type of person that enjoys feedback and/or criticism.
Going through something by myself with just my train of thought its something i don't want to go through ever again. The things I am going to write is not to harm or anger him. I just need to gather my thoughts, my worries, my feelings... and let them run wild.
I am doing this for myself to save my mind.
I have a problem and I am aware of it. I have set my standards very high for him. And when he doesn't match them or exceed them I am very disappointed. In a way he should be happy that i have done that, I don't set my standards so high for guys because I know they will disappoint me one way or the other. But i always knew he was different. When i am with him...it feels different, it feels good. I love the way I am when I am with him. He makes me happy. I love to make him happy.
But I feel that he's changed. I've been told that maybe its because we are used to each other. He says because I am his "wife." Those are all good reasons but no matter what what he is doing still doesn't make me feel special. I get bitter. And when I get bitter I take it out on him. He feels bad and he gets mad at me and I end up feeling like crap. I always apologize. He never does. And when i look back at it i'm sorry to say but it always traces back to him. He is the problem for my internal insanity. I don't think its fair that I always have to apologize when in truth its him. I try to tell him whats bothering me so he could fix it so I wouldn't be this way anymore...he does fix it sometimes but sometimes he doesn't.
I'm sorry for the way I come off sometimes. I may seem like I'm getting in your case all the time and I am but I'm not tryin to be mean and hurtful but that is just that way I come out when I'm hurt. You are right...you hurt me alot...more than you think. I always try to give you the benefit of the doubt, to give you a chance. But sometimes it seems like you don't care, like you don't want to fix things and you just spit it back to my face. Sometimes i wonder if you want me to break up with you. If that is the case i urge you to just do it because I am not going to, even thought I have told you I've thought about it doesn't mean i was going to do it. I want to be with you. I love you...
...but you are making things very hard for me. I actually hope you read this because like I told you before I'm not going to deal with this anymore, I am not going to let you treat me that way again. I thought you'd try to fix things between like I am trying, but you are not. You are doing that same thing you did 2 weeks ago.
Trust me when I say this that I understand that that is how you are and that that is just how you handle things. But even though I understand this I think you shouldn't be doing it when we are tryin to change things. I think you should try. You aren't. And the fact that you aren't... hurts. I start to think that you just don't care about our relationship anymore. Those are the thoughts that come into my head when i think about breaking up with you. Its your fault.
You know me. You know that I don't like materialistic items or gifts or anything. I like effort. I like to see you try to be with me, I like to read your texts when you text me, I like to see your name on my phone when you call me. I don't need to see you everyday or talk to you everyday but I'd like to see and feel that you care about me. I like the little things. I have always like them. I don't think you ever understood that. You don't do these things anymore that is why I'm not happy and that is why i've been getting mad at you so often. I don't feel that you love me as much as you used to. Do you get it now?
These past few weeks have been hard and I know it has been. I don't want us to end. Trust me if it was with anyone else i would have ended when they first disrespected me. But its different with you because I know that you don't mean it even thought I may not show it right then and there. I have been hard to deal with, I know I have been, but so have you. I know we can get through this. We both need to change. Relationships aren't for the sake of labels or just because you think you like that person, relationships are to grow as an individual. I think its time for us to mature a little. You need to grow up and change your way of dealing with this. I want this to get better and I am willing to stop getting angry at every little thing. I know this is corney but...it takes two to tango. I'm not going to try to fix this by myself forever. I need you to try if you want us to keep on going.
this is really long, but it really made me feel better. it made me put some things into perspective. thanks bloggy :)
angela xoxo
plug in an ipod. The only downside is is that it is a 6 cylinder which means it'll waste more gas.
